These lonely nights…

Right at this moment, it is the loneliest I have ever felt in the world. My beautiful baby boy is laying next to me, tucked in to his bassinet-Im one of those lucky new Mums who’s baby is sleeping perfectly. So naturally, my opening statement sends pangs of guilt through me.

I never envisioned this life. That’s not to say I don’t want it, I just never knew this would happen. The place I grew up is 15,579km away. My home. But now I have a new home, here in Australia. And I love it. But with everyday I wake up with my beautiful baby boy, I feel one step further from home than I did the day before.

Being a new Mum opens up a whole new world. It’s almost as though the minute your baby arrives you are also reborn. Your priorities change, your outlook changes even your coping mechanisms change. As you work hard getting through each day, sleep deprived, hungry, emotional, growing as a new Mumma, you slowly realise that the person you used to be grows a little bit smaller.

Suddenly guilt is the most common feeling you have. Guilty that your baby hasn’t had enough tummy time today, guilty that your not spending enough time with your baby but guilty that your not spending anytime with yourself anymore. But everyday, I feel guilty for the family I left behind. I left with a suitcase, it was packed to the rim full on summer clothes, beachy playsuits, flowing dresses. I was ready for adventure. Four days later, I met my partner. The father to my beautiful baby boy. And what an adventure that has been. They say that you just know when you meet ‘the one’ and I did. It was like we always knew one another, yet the first few months were filled with getting to know every detail of each other’s lives. We couldn’t have lived more opposite lives before we met if we had tried. But it worked. And it still does, sometimes. There is still so much love there but these days it gets overshadowed. It’s covered by stress, tiredness, worry and sometimes even resentment. All we ever wanted was this little boy. And now he is here and he is perfect. So why aren’t we happy, why do we feel incomplete? There comes the guilt again.

I miss my family. I feel bad that my baby boy doesn’t have his Nana and Granda here to spoil him and contradict every textbook bit of advice we try to implement. I feel sad that the people where I grew up don’t get to see me pushing my pram as I fill my days of maternity leave with things I always longed to do. It hurts so much that his Uncle can’t see him and hold him. When I think of how proud my nephew was to finally become the ‘big cousin’ in ur family, it brings tears to my eyes. But still, I feel happy with the beautiful life I have created 15,579km away from home.

Tonight my partner has gone out with friends. There’s that resentment. Why can’t he stay here, with us, his family. Why am I so far away, and feeling so alone?